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Thursday, September 19, 2013

How NOT to be a MILF

**If you are my mom or my mother-in-law, it would be so lovely if you avoided reading this one. I think that you will enjoy this one called 9/11 The Aftermath of Compassion so much more. Thank you. You are the best.

How NOT to be a MILF

Ahhhh September. Fall is in the air. Kids are back to the classroom. Minivans are logging some serious miles and the back to school craziness is starting to feel a little less crazy. We have met all the teachers, gone to all the meetings, purchased enough Joe Corbi's to keep him in business for a long time and bought enough school supplies to stock an entire third world country. I now have 12 quality minutes a day to spend with my four kids that I'm not asking them to do their homework, change into their soccer cleats, practice the violin and not practice spinjitzu on their sister before I jam dinner into them at 4:30 so we can make a 5:00 practice. That we will inevitably be late for. And then we return home at 8 so they can shower, have a snack (what the hell- did the early bird special not fill you up?), finish homework, read something before they are given a half ass rendition of "You are my sunshine" while being thrown into bed with the hopes that the stars have aligned and they brushed their own teeth without us asking them too. I'm sure that happened. I have barely enough energy to hook up with my husband and drink a glass of Merlot before I pass out on my husband who is already passed out.

So I get it. Life is wildly full. And we are so freaking tired. But I don't think we should give up on ourselves. All of the whirlwind of pick-ups and drop-offs lead to a number of mom-eractions we will call them. You see the moms who really seem to have themselves together. Some are extraordinarily organized. Some are straight from a magazine stylish. Some are downright MILFs. And there are those of us who have had completely unfuckable, couldn't be more unattractive moments that if you put them together it could go into the best of "What Not to Wear's" highlight reel. I view motherhood as a sisterhood and feel that it is my calling to help a fellow sister get some. This is what I have learned over the last decade of motherhood about what not to do to become a MILF. 

  • Mom Jeans. Don't do it. If the button of your jeans is higher than your belly button than it is far too high. Only three people in the world can pull off the "on trend" high waisted look: Heidi Klum, Taylor Swift and Beyonce. So unless you are 6 foot, 9 inches tall, weigh 98 pounds and blonde or have a child named Blue Ivy than please, please put the mom jeans down. Better yet, donate them to Goodwill. Halloween is coming and those jeans will go to a fun home that will put them to good comical use.

If what you are wearing is featured in a Saturday Night Live skit than it is not a good, everyday fashion choice.

  • Too Many Stickers on the Back of Your Minivan. I'm pretty positive that the number of stickers on your vehicle directly correlates to how frequently you have sex. As in the higher number of stickers that are there indicates the sex in your future is going to be less and less and less. That is so great that Presley made honor roll 17 times and Paisley plays lacrosse AND field hockey and that you love your German Shepherd. But in that long string of stick people wearing Mickey Mouse ears, I'm just going to take a gamble and say that the last time you had sex was when that small one at the end was conceived. And if you happen to be a man behind that Odyssey wheel, purchasing those stickers at Disneyworld, let's just say that you aren't exactly going to fall in the DILF category. 

Definite points for originality.


  • Christmas Sweaters. You might as well just wear a sign that says "I have given up on having sex again for the rest of my entire life." And if the sweater or vest or turtleneck lights up in any way, I strongly think that you consider joining a convent.

So sparkly.


  • Debbie Downers. At first I thought once you talked about what had you down that everything would be okay but now I realize that that is never going to happen. Your love of all things depressing, couldn't be anymore of a buzzkill to be around. Time is valuable, don't waste it sucking the joy out of the room. Please get yourself some Cymbalta and a vibrator and than shoot me a message that you are ready to put the happy back in happy hour. 

This could be you post-vibrator.


  • Non-stop Yoga Pant Wearers. I am completely guilty of this, especially after having twins. Hell, I'm guilty of it right now while I type. I call it night to day wear. No need to change out of your pajamas to take your kids to the bus, or to pick them up, or change into a different pair of pajamas. By day 3, this gets to be downright disgusting. Your kids look at you with sympathy. Your spouse/partner is frieghtened. And you can't remember if you showered this week, not to mention the last time you actually went to yoga in your yoga pants. It is time to clean up, find something in your closet that makes you remember that you have a vagina and go somewhere with cloth tablecloths. You deserve it.



  • The Overachievers. A little less pinterest and a little more lingerie shopping is in order. You are so good and so into winning at so many things that I think we need to channel your energies into overachievement in the bedroom. Something tells me that someone was left high and dry last night because someone was up to the wee hours making this:

My kids will barely eat pizza.


With a side of this:



You could have been watching Real Housewives while drinking tequila.


And if you don't want to be a MILF, that is okay. But let's start with doing things that make us feel good about ourselves. Confidence is sexy and we shouldn't apologize for that. Being sexy radiates joy. People love happy people. People love to see confident, sexy, happy people naked. And there you have it- you are officially (or unofficially if you prefer) a MILF. And if it seems that right now you are too boggled in all of the day to day consumption of parenthood, just take it one step at a time. You will be a better mom for focusing on your own happiness once in awhile. 
Fake it until you own it. In more ways than one.

Cheers to the sisterhood of motherhood...
xoxo




9 comments:

  1. great post. still giggling over cymbalta and a vibrator, lol.

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    1. This comment made my day! Sometimes I think I'm funnier in my mind than the universe will probably view me so I was feeling on the vulnerable/insecure side of a writer's life but then this comment came in and I thought if someone as smart as Misty likes it than I am doing okay...

      thanks for reading and sharing-

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  2. Misty, that was my favorite too! This is hilarious, now excuse me while I go take some stickers off the back of my minivan! lmao!

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    1. Casey you MILF you, if you love your stickers you just keep them on girl! You can pull them off :). Endless thanks to you for reading and posting it on facebook- I beyond appreciate it... xoxo

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  3. Love this post and thanks for sharing it! A great laugh to start my day (which will be spent in my minivan taking kids to softball and baseball games!). Now I have to scrub off the stick figures LOL!

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    1. Thank you for reading and I am so happy that it made you laugh. That it will always be my favorite compliment (when I'm trying to be funny ;).
      Good luck with all those games and if those stickers make you happy, you keep on rocking them momma!
      Cheers to you...

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  4. As a dude...I found this hilarious. Those stickers do kind of make me wonder. ;) keep up the awesome posts here.

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    1. Endless thanks for your compliments. Dudes are welcome here anytime (especially Terps fans and Redskins fans get bonus points this season)...

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  5. Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a forty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone! paypal login my account

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