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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

What NOT to Get Her for Mother's Day

I know you mean well. You really do. Your soul is in the right place. You just don't know what to get for the woman that has either brought you into this world or brought your children into this world. Either way, she is amazing and she has made sacrifice after sacrifice for you. And now you realized mother's day is this weekend and you are without a gift. So you want to make an impulse purchase at the front of a store largely marked "MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS!". Surely the front of the store motherhood display wouldn't lie to you or steer you in the wrong direction. I have to let you in on this: they lie. Those bastards. They mislead you at your last minute moment of desperation and weakness. Here I will reveal their lies. Pay attention baby, that woman loves you more than anything. Ever. You don't have to give her diamonds, just don't give her something she's going to want to sell at her next yard sale. This is my gift to fabulous mothers everywhere...

What NOT to Get Her for Mother's Day

  • Any jewelry that combines Mom and a heart.

This is the work of someone who has no heart.
Most likely thousands of these are purchased every year but I have yet to see a woman wearing one out in public outside of mother's day itself.
Spend that $20 on a gift card to a coffee shop. Or just buy vodka.

  • Anything that resembles a jaguar walking through a rain forest.

WTF? This was shown as a mothers day gift in an ad I just looked at.
Is this what you want me to wear when I take you to the mall?
Please don't do it. Don't.
Buy wine instead.

  • Any fragrance that you don't want to smell yourself.

Please sniff before purchasing.
You know I'm going to put it on with that new jaguar shirt when I take you and your friends to the mall.
Why don't you and your siblings pull some money together to buy something badass like this:
No you can't borrow them.

  • Anything in plush form.

If you tell me I'm the world's greatest in a pink plush pillow, please be prepared that I might
just smother your face with it.
Or am I...
No I am. For real. If you get me that please just be sure that it comes with a day's supply (now I'm kidding- buy several days) of bloody marys because I am definitely going to want to pass out on that pillow. A win-win for everyone.

  • An I.O.U.

A note like this is bullshit.
Mothers day is in May every single year.
Does Santa leave an I.O.U.?
Didn't think so.
How about a day at the spa? Or mimosas? Or a card that is so sweet it could be my facebook status?

You got this baby. Simple pleasures. And a side of alcohol.
Happy mother's day to all you amazing mommas out there. 
Cheers (you deserve it)...

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